Christian Facebook Comments. Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here.


Yeah, it’s gonna be another one of these articles. Maybe you say I’m shooting fish in a barrel, and picking low hanging fruit. To which I say “both of those things sound like a lot of fun”.

By the by, be sure to click the source link for the cover pic above this. It is a video unlike anything you’ve ever seen. I’ll have to do a “Christians of Youtube” article some time soon as well.

A true meeting of the minds. Watching these intellectual giants go at it from afar is like witnessing a fight between super saiyans. Just imagine if even a small fraction of their brilliance were put to work solving the Riemann Hypothesis, or developing warp engines.

I mostly want to focus on creationists here but unavoidably there will be some flat Earth posts as well, since the two groups overlap heavily. Imagine being this poor lad’s family, dumb enough to believe the Earth is 6,000 years old but not dumb enough to believe it is flat, patiently arguing with their even dumber son.

On today’s episode of Christians Getting Mad at Reality, Tiffany takes on the public school system and sinister cartel of textbook publishers. As an aside, did you know the largest bats share recent ancestry with small tree dwelling primates, like lemurs or sugar gliders? Most people think of bats as being most recently related to rodents, but apparently not. That came as a surprise to me. “Die Fledermaus” will have to be renamed, haha.

Ah yes, of course. Biblical giants. Maybe you’ve seen poorly photoshopped pictures online purporting to depict the skeletal remains of giant humans? People like this are responsible for those. The giants in the Bible are called Nephilim and canonically resulted from angels having sex with human women. The global flood was how Yahweh wiped them out.

This is another one I keep seeing more of. As a subset of the flat Earth people, some claim that mesas are not natural rock formations, but petrified stumps of massive trees. The recurring theme in these groups is that whatever something looks like to them is the truth of the matter. Earth looks flat, so it is. Mesas look like tree stumps, so they are. Life looksdesigned, so it is:

It’s appropriate that this argument is presented as a colorful children’s comic, because only the mind of a child would be convinced by it. Houses do not reproduce and as such have no plausible origin other than deliberate construction. Likewise with paintings.

Living organisms, on the other hand, can reproduce themselves and grow in complexity and diversity of species over time, so in fact there does exist a plausible origin for life other than supernatural creation.

Many of the mathematically significant patterns found in nature which these people mistake for proof of intelligent design are in fact the tell-tale signs of natural formation, as I wrote about here.

This is worth spelling out because this argument gets a lot of play from the likes of Ken Ham and Ray Comfort. They don’t care if it’s wrong, they just care that it’s effective at converting people who don’t know any better.

This is another one that pops up frequently. Deliberately constrained skulls. It was a common practice back then for aesthetic reasons. Today, the remains are held up as evidence of everything from nephilim to ancient aliens. To these people anything which looks as if it supports what they want is good enough. Because the goal isn’t truth, but conversion.

When you’ve trudged through this dog shit mountain as long as I have, you learn to recognize the smell of specific turds. This one for example is a line of argument developed by Kent Hovind, a creationist speaker nicknamed Dr. Dino who specializes in teaching children “alternative facts” about dinosaurs.

When the first dinosaur bones were discovered, at the time it was as big of a controversy for the church as evolution. How could such animals have existed if the Earth was as young as believed by the church back then? Why would Yahweh bother having Noah save two of every animal, but leave dinosaurs to die in the flood?

Moreover, why does the Bible not mention dinosaurs? It does, according to Kent Hovind and some extreme stretches of both scripture and the imagination.

He claims they used to be able to breathe fire, and are the basis for legends about dragons. As opposed to those legends being the result of ancient people finding dinosaur bones themselves, for example. As for the flood, his answer is that Noah only brought dinosaur eggs on the ark. Ohhhh, that solves everything.

The Biblical family structure. If you subtract the top umbrella, the real intent of this teaching becomes apparent: To keep women subservient to men and to preserve a structure of society in which men are in control at every level.

Just some garden variety schizophrenia. Nothing to see here. “Don’t be deceived” indeed. I almost fell for the lies of qualified astronomers, when the truth was the fever dream of some random Facebook derp all along! :0

More schizphrenic whaargarbl. These people lead such rich fantasy lives. This is the extent of the absolute balls to the wall madness that you open the door to when you substitute careful empirical evaluation of claims with emotionally satisfying story telling.

Story telling is rad, don’t get me wrong (I am a writer, after all) but Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings are only cool because their fans don’t mistake those tales for historical fact. If they did, it would create no end of problems.

Here’s a fine upstanding Christian fellow explaining his reasoning for why computers and other instances of high technology are not in fact products of scientific investigation of nature, followed by the application of the resulting findings by engineers.

According to this man everything good science has given us, we in fact owe to Christianity and the Bible. Why? Because Christianity has dominated the west for many centuries, and because the scientists during that period were unavoidably raised as Christians, their successes are therefore creditable to their religion, rather than to their intellect and application of the scientific method.

It might surprise him to discover that while those men did happen to be Christians, the scientific method is not described anywhere in the Bible, which instead advises believers in many places not to “lean on their own understanding” or “trust in the wisdom of men” but instead uncritically believe in Biblical claims. For purely unbiased, non-self-serving reasons of course.

Santa is Satan. You heard it here first, folks. No, I don’t know either. Never mind that Santa is based on St. Nick, a Christian saint. Never mind basic understanding of what is being discussed, who needs that in order to come to exciting conclusions? :0

More schizo babble. This time in what I affectionately refer to as Christian Vernacular English, a mangled hodgepodge of english words with no care given to grammar, spelling or punctuation.

Sometimes grammar is obeyed. Sometimes there’s punctuation. But then randomly, sometimes there isn’t. As if the parts of their brain responsible aren’t getting quite enough blood, and keep turning on and off erratically.

This one’s from Youtube but damnit, I’m including it anyway because it’s my hot body, I do what I want. These people really are out there, folks. And as of 2017, in the US, their beliefs are shared by a majority of Christians. I want to cry. I only don’t cry because I also want to scream, and cannot do both at once.

More Christian Vernacular English. Luckily, a translator program has been developed to help us full humans understand what Christians are trying to communicate in posts like these.

It’s called “autocorrect”. To translate in reverse, from English to CVE, one simply drinks a litre or so of strong whiskey and waits half an hour before typing out their reply…if they are still conscious by that time.

How is it possible to be this wrong without the universe automatically deleting you from existence or some shit. How does he dress himself in the morning? How does he shower without accidentally drowning himself because he forgot to keep his mouth closed? Is he allowed to drive, and if so, for what possible reason?

“Evolution retards”. Let that sink in. We’re the retards here, it turns out. Color me surprised. “I personally do not understand what forensic science is or how the principles of forensics allow the reconstruction of past conditions from the aftermath, therefore nobody knows. If I can’t see how scientists arrived at a conclusion, they are retarded or liars.” Round of applause, everyone. Getting literally everything in his post wrong is sort of an impressive accomplishment in its own right, however.

That’s all for now. What have we learned? Christians are nature’s perfect clowns, and a never-ending source of free entertainment for all to enjoy…so long as they are never permitted to operate heavy machinery. Comedy can turn into tragedy in the blink of an eye, after all.

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