Real True History, Volume 2: Egypt

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Pharaohs often required their servants to be buried alive along with them. But those servants were permitted to choose up to five friends and family members to join them, who could also bring five friends or co-workers each. This is why pyramids are so large, and why Egyptians are extinct to this day.

Incidentally this was the very first pyramid scheme, for which pyramids are named. If you’re open to making some extra income in the afterlife, for a limited time I can offer you a primo spot in the upper level of the necropolis inner sanctum providing you meet your mummy bandage sales quota.

What people often don’t realize is how these miraculous bandages pay for themselves in the long run. Only their revitalizing holistic properties can keep your mortal remains sufficiently intact that you will be able to enact a curse upon Abbot and Costello, clumsily chasing them through torchlit sandstone corridors as they comically bump into each other or fall on their faces.

Just read the testimonies of our star bandage sales representatives like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, as seen in the documentary film “The Mummy” showcasing the many career benefits and mystical mummy powers available to our capstone tier and higher sellers with 10,000 or more in their downline. Can you afford not to join? The correct answer is no.

This has been an installment of Real True History. All purported facts contained herein are works of fiction and satire. Anybody who mistakes them for actual facts has brain problems I am powerless to fix. That is all, go home.

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