Real True History, Volume 3: Deja Vu

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Guy Harrison, neurologist responsible for discovering ‘deja vu’ famously rejected the prevailing model of DV as a memory quirk. “What is actually occurring”, he wrote in a recently recovered journal, “is sexual assault by one or more Time Wizards, who use their control over time to escape our notice and cover up their crimes. We need to stop those violently horny, time traveling bastards; they really are the worst.”

In a 1912 interview he further explained to the Yorktown Gazette that his work was hampered primarily by the lack of cameras with a shutterspeed fast enough to capture the dastardly time traveling perverts as they go about their tawdry work.

“I daresay we are getting close, however. Vouchsafed that in twenty years’ time, the technology will…Oh no. I’m having deja vu…right…now…” Flustered, he then spit out the mouthful of semen which one of his purported time wizards undetectably deposited there just a second prior. No independently verified time wizards could be reached for comment.

If you experience sudden onset rectal pain and subsequent leakage, contact your local constable at once. Other signs may include appearance of unexplained fluids in any of your body’s various openings, as well as occasionally under your armpits if they happened to feel adventurous that day.”

This has been an installment of Real True History. All purported facts contained herein are works of fiction and satire. Anybody who mistakes them for actual facts has brain problems I am powerless to fix. That is all, go home.

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