Real True History, Volume 5: Witches

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New evidence supports alternative account of the Salem witch trials. Modern experiments involving controlled incineration of wiccans reveals they emit hallucinogenic fumes as they burn with effects similar to ‘magic mushrooms’ , due to high concentrations of psilocybin in their body tissues from a lifetime of ritualistic drug consumption. “Let’s go get witchblasted”, the townspeople would say.

Since then, witches have become a schedule 1 controlled substance that many countries around the world have a dedicated anti-drug task force for disrupting the sale of. “Every bottle of witch ashes we can keep out of the hands of kids is a small victory” said one sheriff. “Dank, aromatic witch ashes…” he trailed off, visibly drooling.

Meanwhile, members of the plus sized lesbian community have issued an emphatic statement to the press that “While all wiccans are overweight lesbians, not all overweight lesbians are wiccans” following a series of tragic immolations by local witch hunters. One clarified “we knew they weren’t witches, but I can’t get enough of that porkchop smell”

This has been an installment of Real True History. All purported facts contained herein are works of fiction and satire. Anybody who mistakes them for actual facts has brain problems I am powerless to fix. That is all, go home.

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