Real True History, Volume 6: Christmas


As it turns out, “Merry Christmas” is a modern corruption of “Murray Krindlaus”, fabled resident of a Norwegian village in the 1500s. Each year, other peasants would chase him around with thorny branches, whipping his buttocks raw while chanting “Murray Krindlaus! Fuck you!” followed of course by the ritualistic blood orgy.

Classical paintings of Murray depict him crying and struggling to run away with his pants around his ankles as his swollen red butt cheeks throb from the whipping. It has become the iconic image everybody associates with the winter holiday season.

Because we live in a more enlightened time however, these days the role of Murray is played by a paid actor who has signed a waiver indicating that they agree to have their ass mercilessly thrashed with thorns, and the blood orgy uses corn syrup with red dye in it instead of blood.

It’s too easy these days with high tech expensive gifts, to forget the true meaning of Christmas: That little bitch, Murray Krindlaus, and making sure he doesn’t get away before we really go to town whipping his stupid bitch ass with these here thorns.

This has been an installment of Real True History. All purported facts contained herein are works of fiction and satire. Anybody who mistakes them for actual facts has brain problems I am powerless to fix. That is all, go home.

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