[Short Story] “Oh Shit, Spiders!” The Straight-to-Video Travesty That Nobody Asked For


“Fuckin look at that spooky ass Incan pyramid. Guaranteed there’s some fuckin spidery spiders in that sumbitch” grumbled Handsome Manjaw.

“I don’t care” proclaimed Professor Scientist. “We can’t leave without the data we came for.” Titty McBooberton, the expedition’s necessarily beautiful medic, breathlessly requested a reminder.

“The number of spiders it contains, naturally” Professor Scientist replies, pushing his thick glasses up higher on the bridge of his nose. “By the way Manjaw, it’s called a Ziggurat.”

“I don’t need to know no science learnings to know how to ROCK” Handsome insisted, ripping his shirt wide open for no obvious reason to reveal mysteriously pre-oiled pecs and abs pulsating rhythmically underneath.

“I also don’t need to know what a zigzagoon is to know it’s jam packed full of spiders, I would bet my own stupid dick on it. Spiderclowns maybe. They’ll be lookin to rape our tender, unassuming assholes for sure. That’s what I’d be thinking in their shoes. Their eight floppy red shoes.”

As the still distant ziggurat loomed into view, Professor Scientist began to explain that in fact zigzagoon is a pokemon but was cut off by the breathless gasp of Titty McBooberton who, presumably due to chronic respiratory problems, could only ever vocalize in a breathless way.

“Say…why were you named Titty McBooberton” Handsome inquired on the way. “You’re flat as a board.” Titty giggled retardedly, made a one time offhand remark about the intrusive, inappropriate nature of the question to pre-empt feminist film critics, then answered that her parents were both deliberately cruel people.

“Oh” Manjaw muttered, suddenly thoughtful. “That’s a really boring explanation. I regret asking you about it, and knowing you.” Titty agreed, made another non-sequitorial remark about women’s empowerment, then disrobed for a solid six minute night time skinny dipping scene in a fucking jungle river full of pirahnas that I guess know better than to eat the only hot girl on the team.

During this time, Handsome and Professor also disrobed, briefly touched the tips of their weiners together, became embarrassed and never talked about it again. When Titty came back and asked why they were naked, they said it was because of global warming.

Finally the brave trio arrived at the ziggurat. “Hey you too” Handsome said, this time directed at the professor. “What are the odds that someone with your first and last name would happen to go into science? Pursuing a tenured position teaching the structure and application of the scientific method, specifically? I mean I guess it’s like when you name your daughter Candy or Crystal, she basically has to become a stripper, but couldn’t you have….Hey wait. What sort of name is Handsome Manjaw, now that I think about it? You know sometimes I feel like everything around me is contrived. Like it’s all, you know. Did you ever see that movie where everybody is in a virtual reality pod and Keanu Reeves wakes up from his herbal essence scented oil bath? Then Morgan Freeman teaches him how to whup everybody’s ass with karate? He was like, do you think that’s air you’re breathing? You merely adopted the air. I was born in it, molded by it-”

“Silence buffoon, we’ve arrived”. Professor Scientist pulled out some sort of abstract prop designed to conform to what laypersons believe a scientific instrument might look like, consisting of a box on the end of a handle with a row of LEDs.

“According to the spiderometer the concentration of spider particles has grown steadily higher as we approached the ziggurat.” Titty asked if that meant there might be spiders inside before having a crisis of conscience over the script’s depiction of female medical professionals. In the next cut she’s played by a similar looking craigslist escort with pre-recorded lines dubbed in over her lip movements.

“I warned the top brass that this would happen” Professor Scientist bitterly cried. “I warned them spiders would happen! Spiders ALWAYS happen! Going back to for example ancient dinosaur times and maybe the middle ages.” A quick cut to vague, period inappropriate heiroglyphics depicting spiders.

A military official of some kind appears just for the occasion to laugh dismissively and assert that professor scientist is a bed wetting alarmist, then backs into the dense jungle foliage, seemingly absorbed by it. He can be heard offscreen in the next shot, being mauled by jaguars.

“That settles it for me” Handsome declared. “Spider particles are a myth. You’ve been bamboozled by ancient aliens. I’m going inside.” The new Titty followed close behind, adding that she would do anything necessary to get to the bottom of this mystery, no matter how naked.

But then spiders happened. “OH SHIT, SPIDERS!” Handsome shouted. “Seriously holy shit like ten, no twelve spiders. There could be fourteen it’s hard to tell, they are moving so quickly. That’s more spiders than I expected there to be, I thought at most there would be like six to eight spiders but as it turns out my estimates were woefully inaccurate and now we’re surrounded by roughly twice the number of spiders I anticipated going into this ordeal.”

Indeed the spiders numbered fourteen, altogether a larger number of spiders than anybody thought would be present at the ziggurat, and really only zero is an acceptable number of spiders if you think about it. Do you want more than zero spiders? What’s wrong with you? I don’t.

Then the spiderclown appeared in all its glory, lovingly rendered in futuristic 3D by the finest hand picked team of desperate Ukrainian teenagers with pirated copies of Lightwave that $12.50 could buy.

“I fucking told you god damnit it’s a spiderclown” Handsome Manjaw lamented, looking directly into the camera despite repeat instructions never to do that again. “They thirst for butt pleasure. Look at him you just know it, you just KNOW he is already fully engorged and fixin’ to rape our chocolate factories”

Professor Scientist cautioned him against insensitive stereotyping, suggesting that although spiderclowns on average have been statistically shown to be more inclined towards sexual assault than any other living creature, there was nonetheless a chance they were dealing with a more sensitive, magnanimous individual among the species.

“No way, he was right” the creature gurgled. “I am deffo gonna rape your quivering, hairless pink buttholes. I have eight dicks too, I mean you can’t see right now because I wear these polka dot eight legged clown pants for effect but it’s a serious nightmare inside ’em, just so many dicks wriggling and writhing about and whatnot. Here let me show you.”

Indeed he showed them. But where they expected to be repulsed, they were instead entranced by the most beautiful, ineffable miracle of nature any of them had seen until that point.

Titty mustered the bravery and nudity to approach first. Sensually french kissing his various chittering mouth parts, a mixture of saliva and spider mucus cascading down her huge fake titties that point in different directions like cookie monster eyes despite the prior actress being an A cup, but be real it’s 3am and your dick’s already out, may as well.

“I did not realize such cross cultural understandings, bridging cultural gaps tolerance and mutual respect between humans and the spider people understandings” Titty cooed. “Once we are wed, it will serve as a symbol of unity between our peoples, and-”

The spiderclown chuckled, finished wiping his cum on her hair, then raucously honked his big red nose. “Bitch what, I have Tinder. Lmao white ppl”. He then sequentially honked each of the little red spheres on the end of his various penii and scooted off into the night on eight jewel encrusted hoverboards. For real, fuckin emeralds, rubies and maybe some dubloons in there or whatever.

The fourteen spiders, unsure of what to do without direction, swiftly consumed the team of explorers and then retreated into the Ziggurat. Credits begin to roll as the sun rises over the jungle canopy. A Norwegian speed metal remix of “Welcome to the Space Jam” by the Quad City DJs plays, with certain lyrics judiciously replaced with “spider”.

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