[Short Story] “Oh Shit, Spiders!” The Straight-to-Video Travesty That Nobody Asked For

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grumbled Handsome Manjaw.

proclaimed Professor Scientist. Titty McBooberton, the expedition’s necessarily beautiful medic, breathlessly requested a reminder.

Professor Scientist replies, pushing his thick glasses up higher on the bridge of his nose.

Handsome insisted, ripping his shirt wide open for no obvious reason to reveal mysteriously pre-oiled pecs and abs pulsating rhythmically underneath.

As the still distant ziggurat loomed into view, Professor Scientist began to explain that in fact zigzagoon is a pokemon but was cut off by the breathless gasp of Titty McBooberton who, presumably due to chronic respiratory problems, could only ever vocalize in a breathless way.

Handsome inquired on the way. Titty giggled retardedly, made a one time offhand remark about the intrusive, inappropriate nature of the question to pre-empt feminist film critics, then answered that her parents were both deliberately cruel people.

Manjaw muttered, suddenly thoughtful. Titty agreed, made another non-sequitorial remark about women’s empowerment, then disrobed for a solid six minute night time skinny dipping scene in a fucking jungle river full of pirahnas that I guess know better than to eat the only hot girl on the team.

During this time, Handsome and Professor also disrobed, briefly touched the tips of their weiners together, became embarrassed and never talked about it again. When Titty came back and asked why they were naked, they said it was because of global warming.

Finally the brave trio arrived at the ziggurat. Handsome said, this time directed at the professor.

. Professor Scientist pulled out some sort of abstract prop designed to conform to what laypersons believe a scientific instrument might look like, consisting of a box on the end of a handle with a row of LEDs.

Titty asked if that meant there might be spiders inside before having a crisis of conscience over the script’s depiction of female medical professionals. In the next cut she’s played by a similar looking craigslist escort with pre-recorded lines dubbed in over her lip movements.

Professor Scientist bitterly cried. A quick cut to vague, period inappropriate heiroglyphics depicting spiders.

A military official of some kind appears just for the occasion to laugh dismissively and assert that professor scientist is a bed wetting alarmist, then backs into the dense jungle foliage, seemingly absorbed by it. He can be heard offscreen in the next shot, being mauled by jaguars.

Handsome declared. The new Titty followed close behind, adding that she would do anything necessary to get to the bottom of this mystery, no matter how naked.

But then spiders happened. Handsome shouted.

Indeed the spiders numbered fourteen, altogether a larger number of spiders than anybody thought would be present at the ziggurat, and really only zero is an acceptable number of spiders if you think about it. Do you want more than zero spiders? What’s wrong with you? I don’t.

Then the spiderclown appeared in all its glory, lovingly rendered in futuristic 3D by the finest hand picked team of desperate Ukrainian teenagers with pirated copies of Lightwave that $12.50 could buy.

Handsome Manjaw lamented, looking directly into the camera despite repeat instructions never to do that again.

Professor Scientist cautioned him against insensitive stereotyping, suggesting that although spiderclowns on average have been statistically shown to be more inclined towards sexual assault than any other living creature, there was nonetheless a chance they were dealing with a more sensitive, magnanimous individual among the species.

the creature gurgled.

Indeed he showed them. But where they expected to be repulsed, they were instead entranced by the most beautiful, ineffable miracle of nature any of them had seen until that point.

Titty mustered the bravery and nudity to approach first. Sensually french kissing his various chittering mouth parts, a mixture of saliva and spider mucus cascading down her huge fake titties that point in different directions like cookie monster eyes despite the prior actress being an A cup, but be real it’s 3am and your dick’s already out, may as well.

Titty cooed.

The spiderclown chuckled, finished wiping his cum on her hair, then raucously honked his big red nose. . He then sequentially honked each of the little red spheres on the end of his various penii and scooted off into the night on eight jewel encrusted hoverboards. For real, fuckin emeralds, rubies and maybe some dubloons in there or whatever.

The fourteen spiders, unsure of what to do without direction, swiftly consumed the team of explorers and then retreated into the Ziggurat. Credits begin to roll as the sun rises over the jungle canopy. A Norwegian speed metal remix of “Welcome to the Space Jam” by the Quad City DJs plays, with certain lyrics judiciously replaced with “spider”.

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