What in the fresh hell is any of this? Don’t look at me, I don’t know the answer. A while back a friend sent me one of these, and I was tickled enough by the strangeness of it that I went looking for more. That’s one rabbit hole I should’ve stayed out of.
You might want to have a drink for this. It doesn’t get any better from this point onward. In places, it somehow gets worse. What would possess anybody to draw shit like this? I asked one of these artists and was told that they grew up homeschooled. They didn’t have the outside input of other kids to clue them into what was cringy.
They said in their strict fundamentalist Christian household, there were very few options for children’s entertainment. Pokemon was off the table because it referenced evolution. Harry Potter was off the table because it’s about sorcery and witchcraft. Power Rangers also involved a witch, and Zordon is technically a wizard.
That pretty much just left Sonic. It was the only thing to “be into” that was inoffensive to hardline Christian parents. Apparently the strong religious tone and Bible verses were included to satisfy their parents that being into Sonic was reinforcing their faith and thus a “healthy interest” to have.
I want to say mental illness was involved, but really if you put yourself in the mindset of a 12 year old fundie, this shit starts to make sense. This is the sort of stuff you’d draw if your options were culturally limited in that way.
You can find most of this yourself by searching Deviantart for “Christian Sonic the Hedgehog”. Also worth a try is your name, plus “the hedgehog” on the end. Don’t say I didn’t warn you, and have the eye bleach ready.
The shitty ones like this are the most charming. But later you’ll see some which are really skillful, from a technical standpoint. Those raise certain questions. How old are the artists responsible? Did they keep drawing Christian Sonic fan art into their twenties?
A lot of crying happens in these pics. I assume it’s because they are repenting for whatever sins cartoon animals commit. Going too fast, maybe? Hoarding golden rings? Or maybe the weird sex shit you see if you search Sonic plus any fetish keywords on DA. Trust me, don’t do that. You will live a happier life not knowing.
This one’s kind of sweet. It’s well drawn and clearly this person feels strongly about patriotism and their religion. You just want to tousle their hair and boop their nose.
Is there some connection with autism? A lot of the weirdest stuff on DA is drawn by autistic people, who for better or worse tend to be very imaginative. I’m autistic though and never drew weird shit like this. Just imitation H.R. Giger and diagrams of machinery.
Remember this from the games? When Shadow the Hedgehog is struck down, of course, Jesus descends from the clouds to rescue him and grant him a 1up. Every true Sega fan knows about the Jesus cameos in all of the Sonic games.
About two thirds follow the basic formula seen above, of having Sonic fall to his knees and weep. I think the idea here is to depict a character kids feel is a strong hero nevertheless humbling himself before the founder of their religion.
There’s also a few where it’s raining, which is presumably symbolism for the slings and arrows of a sinful world. Having a background in fundamentalist Christianity helps when interpreting this sort of thing.
Another eerily well drawn specimen. Imagine if the talent on display here instead went into something less demented. The world’s next Van Gogh could be out there right now, drawing crying cartoon animals in the rain next to Bible verses.
…I don’t know what to say about this one. It should not exist. I cannot wash my eyes enough to ever make them clean again. Damn Shadow is swole though, and his bulge looks like he’s smuggling a bag of walnuts through airport security.
Was there any religion in the Sonic world? Canonically? They had the chaos emeralds I think, and a tribe of warriors who protected them to keep Angel Island in the sky. I think that’s as far into it as it ever went. Is there a god in Sonic world? Is it also a cartoon animal? Questions the world does not need answers to.
Imagine walking into church and seeing this guy in a stained glass window. I would just turn around and walk out.
More rain. Apparently it becomes quite rainy when contemplating scripture. I guess because everybody looks profound and noble when being rained on, all fuckin serious faced and whatnot. It works for Batman.
This is my all time favorite. Just because it’s so technically well done and looks like an actual period painting, but then there’s a flawlessly on model 1990s Sonic just hanging out in the middle of it, smiling like he approves of what is happening behind him. This one belongs in an art museum.
Not Sonic, but I had to include it. This one is rare, because it’s Mormon (that’s a Mormon church behind him) and because it involves My Little Pony. That’s got to be good for triple points or something.
More crying Sonic. Almost mundane by this point. I can’t stop thinking about Mormon My Little Pony though. Do they get multiple pony wives in Mormon heaven? Dare I ask the hard-hitting theological questions like these?
Shadow appears very frequently in these pics, I think because he’s an antihero who starts out evil but is later persuaded to fight for good. That’s very in line with the Christian narrative of evil men turning over a new leaf when they open their hearts to Jesus.
Would this make more sense if I knew who the character in the background is? Probably it would just raise more disturbing questions. That is a door better left closed, perhaps.
This makes me scream inside. What is even real anymore? Free Riders was a PS2 game I think, where the Sonic characters were on hoverboards. But there is a DVD logo in the upper left. This is a hypothetical video of some kind? What could it possibly be like to watch?
The story of Daniel and the Lions, but Sonic is Daniel. Okay, at least it isn’t as nightmare inducing as the last one. How did Romans capture Sonic though? Inquiring minds demand answers.
This one is sort of cute and the least mind-rending of the lot. It has some merit as artwork I think and is consistent with the behavior of the character it depicts. That is about the best any of us could hope for in this genre.
Wait a minute. Is that Mordecai from Regular Show? And a My Little Pony? Their baby is the cartoon dragon from that show. This raises so many questions. Baby Jesus was a dragon? Of course. It all makes sense now that the final puzzle piece has fallen into place.
And now, here is Sonic in Hell, apparently boiling in blood. The text seems to be something about condemnation of abortion services in the US. He has tape over his mouth which I believe was a symbolic protest a few years back meant to imply that because Christians lost Roe vs. Wade, their voices have been taken away. Is there abortion in Sonic world? How does it work? They are cartoon characters so the fetus would be unharmed in the next shot.
There is more of this. So much more. But I have subjected you to enough for today. May this glimpse into the gaping maw of madness itself cause you to cherish your own sanity all the more.
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