The Peculiarium: Portland’s Museum of Oddities

Being that it was a dreary grey morning, @amandarichards and I chose to do something indoors. No, not that, get your mind out of the gutter. Some time ago, resourceful critter that she is, Amanda reached out to friends seeking destinations of interest we ought to check out.

This is one, like the Woodstock Mystery Hole, that was news to me. It’s essentially a small museum of the bizarre, filled with both antique curios and pop culture artifacts.

Naturally you both enter and exit through the gift shop. That’s some fine layout planning, I must admit. They have all manner of gags and novelties here, much of it intended to frighten, disgust or fascinate. For me those are all the same emotion!

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though, there’s plenty to see before you even go inside. The exterior decorations do a good job of snagging the attention of anybody with an appetite for the weird and absurd.

So naturally, @amandarichards and I never stood a chance. But really, look at the dude on the right in the wheelchair. Is he really “peculiar” or just ugly and disabled? He needs healthcare and plastic surgery, not to be gawked at by tourists.

My only criticism of this guy is that gumballs don’t come out when you stick a quarter into him. Then again even if they did, would you really want to eat one? I’ve put more dubious things into my body, why not.

Sasquatch followed me here from the fish hatchery. He just can’t quit me, it seems. I don’t blame him, I am both supple and sassy. I’ve got what squatches crave, and I don’t care who knows it. (◡‿◡✿)

More cool shit just inside. Much of it is for sale! Do you have a pressing need to own an animatronic possessed baby with carriage? Of course you do. Everybody does. They’ve got their finger firmly on the pulse of today’s consumer, here at the Peculiarium.

Need demon armor to wear while chasing terrified, confused patients in a mental hospital you’ve snuck into? I’ve been there. Once again, Peculiarium has your unusually specific and morally questionable needs totally covered. We’re not even twenty feet in yet, either.

Maybe demon armor isn’t your thing. Maybe you want to invade a renaissance faire cosplaying as a robot soldier sent from the future to assassinate King Arthur, even though the staff has banned you from attending after last year’s incident. But you don’t give up that easily, and give 110% even when begged not to.

Want your photo taken sitting on Krampus’ lap? You do? Pervert. I know what you do with those photos at night when nobody’s around. It’s okay though, this is a no judgement zone except for that initial bit of judgement which has already occurred. It’s a 1% judgement zone.

“How can we turn a $10 thrift store pocket television into an attraction?” they must’ve said. Well done lads, this one was a stretch but you just barely make it work. I kind of want to invite friends over to see a movie, then surprise them that we’re all going to huddle around and watch it on this thing. What is this, a theater FOR ANTS??

This was easily the coolest thing I saw there. It’s basically a casket with a ripped fabric panel you can peer through at a television screen, which shows a looping video of graveyard workers shoveling dirt onto you. You could fuck any Hot Topic goth in this thing, you’d have your pick of the litter.

Is this the end for Alex Beyman?? It really should be, but isn’t. I will live to see another day, because somebody has to supply a reliable source of shitposts on Twitter. There’s a tragic shortage of those at the moment, you see.

Nothing to see here, just a typical midwestern gas station bathroom.

Amanda’s head transplanted onto the body of a man. Dream come true for both her and myself? Or night mare? If you look closely there’s machinery in there. Wait a second, that’s MY body. Things just took an even sexier turn!

Vampires, a very real and everpresent threat in our modern era, can be handily destroyed using the contents of this kit. Once owned by the famed Sarah Michelle Gellar and used in her role as television’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer, odds are good that it at least lightly brushed her boobs at some point. I’ll open bidding at ten thousand dollars. Five thousand just to smell it.

A perfect gift for the child you want to know you love less than their sibling because they get poor grades and sass talk you at the dinner table. Although personally this would have delighted me as a kiddo because I was emotionally troubled and spent a lot of time talking to counselors.

Spontaneous human combustion, or the aftermath of a chipotle fart? I’ll let the readers at home decide.

Assorted knicknacks and human remains presumably bought at police auction. I could really use some of these as ice breakers when I have unexpected guests over. I could put the skulls on my hands like puppets and make them tell ribald, off-color jokes to one another.

A bunny hood, as every one of my male readers knows, is an indispensible element of every fashionable gentleman’s wardrobe. There are just some dates where nothing else will make an adequately surprising first impression, and certain…conventions…where it’s a required part of the dress code.

You’ve seen Sharknado, the film. Now see it in diorama form! What isn’t better in diorama form? Oh yeah, Schindler’s List. Okay yeah, nevermind. Forget I brought it up. I am so sorry and will re-evaluate my life after this is over.

Oculus Rift too expensive? LSD too expensive? A television, cardboard box and three mirrors. Sham bam bamina, same exact thing. Just another fine money saving tip of the kind you come here for. I mean I assume that’s why people come here.

Little is known by scientists about the mysterious chupacabra. All agree on one detail however. It absolutely craves horchata. The delicious spiced ricemilk beverage popular in Mexico and Southern American countries, horchata contains all of the vitamins and nutrients essential to strong bones and a healthy, shiny coat for every growing chupacabra. Doesn’t your chupacabra deserve the very best?

They’ve got a brain storage room, like the one in my basement. For some reason it’s okay for them to have one, but when I show mine to dates there’s all this hullabaloo and screaming, then the cops get involved. Just goes to show that corporations have rights in this country too often denied to us little people.

A red tinted TV screen in the same darkened room playing a video wherein an official sounding voice describes experiments performed on the zombie brain and commands viewers to push a button which electrocutes the zombie brain, causing flashing lights and zapping noises.

Pretty cool interactivity. In fact the best exhibits were all the interactive ones. That’s art, after a fashion. How can it not be? Of the specific, and one might say peculiar sort you’ll only find in Portland, Oregon.

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